“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Disruption in the Normal Swing of Things...
Hello 2009! It don't feel any different than 2008 as of yet, but I am determined to make this year a hell of a lot more productive than last!
Quick note about my NYE: New Years was actually pretty fun. I was expecting to have a quiet night chilling with Kory, Myla and Michelle but it ended up being a house party in Ladysmith with the aforementioned friends and also Riley and a bunch of his friends. Got pretty drunk and way too stoned, passed out listening to someone puke in the bathroom underneath the room I slept in... (that Kory would later deny was him, haha.) All in all, good times. No kisses at midnight, though. Oh well.
I bought a bag of purple kush when I was staying on the island, so I had a bunch left when I got home a couple weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much hung out in my room smoking, eating and sleeping with the exception of a few trips to the mall/store and a hang out with Ollie.
Now for the big "resolutions/reflection" post. I haven't really sat down and made a "list of resolutions"... but I have been thinking a lot about changes I need to make to become who I want to be instead of being so unhappy with my life and who I am.
Changes include (but are not limited to and in no particular order:)
1. STOP SMOKING WEED. Or seriously cutting back. I've decided that I don't mind smoking weed in small amounts, but I get into trouble when I have a lot of it available to me. So I think I am going to quit smoking for a while... or quit buying it anyways. I don't have a dealer and I don't have any friends in this city so I won't be offered any except when I go out of town or a friend comes to town. When I have a lot of pot around it just throws all my motivation and interest to do anything else out the window. I mean, I know I SHOULD do certain things, but getting stoned makes it so I don't care. It's time to grow up and start doing things I should have done a long time ago that getting high all the time has been holding me back from.
2. STOP PLAYING WOW. I also have decided to stop playing WoW for a while until I catch up on school work since I haven't done ANY english work for a month probably.
3. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. This is a big one for me... the cause of a lot of my unhappiness. Past relationships, past friends, past living situations... they are all the past. I need to stop putting so much effort into still trying to talk to Rupert and realize that it's over. Some feelings may still reside but they are old feelings for someone who has changed, who has moved on, who has forgotten about me and doesn't even think about me in any regard anymore, friendly or otherwise. If he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me he would make some kind of effort to talk one in a while, but he doesn't. He has enough friends, he has a girlfriend that he is probably in love with, he has a job and he has his own life that I am not involved in whatsoever. I need to realize that people change and sometimes relationships (both romantic and friendly) grow apart and eventually end. Being lonely/alone isn't a reason to hold onto feelings for someone, especially someone who doesn't even live in the same city.
4. SET GOALS AND FOLLOW THEM THROUGH. I am mediocre at setting goals in general to begin with, but I am HORRIBLE at setting priorities and following through to achieve the goals that I set. I tend to make really big goals that aren't easily achieved or obtainable in the short term, and then I get disheartened that there's no noticable change/difference right away or I lose interest and give up. Or I set a goal for myself and take the steps to get there, but when the moment of truth comes I doubt myself or something and back out at last minute. I need to learn how to make not only big goals for later on in life, but smaller more short term oriented goals and also learn how to prioritize and organize to achieve the goals that I set.
5. EAT A HEALTHIER DIET/LIVE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE. More exercise, less junk food. Pretty straight forward but also very difficult when you aren't responsible for the grocery shopping in the house. My diet will probably get a lot better when I move out either by myself or with my dad. I can start getting more active now, though. I might not go as far as to get a gym membership, but I might go see a trainer once or twice to learn some activities and get some equipment so I can do them at home and go for walks and whatnot. I'm getting more comfortable with not being one of "the thin girls", but I'm starting to think about health and, yes, appearance and I'd like to be the healthiest I can be.
6. MEET NEW PEOPLE. For some reason meeting people that have similar interests/hobbies as me and making friends has been difficult for me. My depression (at it's worst) really made me shut out a lot of people and made me into a pretty horrible friend but I am going to try to change that. It's obvious that most of my old friendships are unsalvagable, but the lessons from the ending of them can be taken away from it. I need to figure out where to meet people, first of all. I need to re-learn how to do things without weed involved, like how to have conversations with people, how to share interests... basically I need to learn how to be a friend all over again. I am also really shy and it's hard to get to know me, so I have to try to be a bit more outgoing or something. haha.
Lastly, I would like to START DATING AGAIN. I kind of have feelings for Ollie still, but I know it's not a healthy relationship right now and I don't even know what he wants. Part of me wants to just let it go as it is and see what happens, but most of me knows that it's not going anywhere unless I take some kind of action to fight for what I want. Do I give the ultimatum and demand to be something more serious (which would probably result in me being turned down completely and the end of our relationship), or do I do nothing and sit here swept aside, last on his mind, and miserable yet again? The old me would stick around forever, no matter how shitty I was being treated or how much I was ignored. The new me, though, isn't so sure she wants to stick around for that... I want to have a real relationship for once. I want all that stupid cute shit that people love in the beginnings of relationships and then take for granted like reading to each other in bed, or leaving messages or notes because you're thinking of the person, or sharing half your sandwich without even being asked. Except I want my OWN cute shit. I want someone to be annoyingly cute with. I do not want to be sitting alone wishing someone would call or come over when they are thinking about someone else or spending time and having feelings for someone else.
Sigh.
I am going to go clothes shopping this week and hopefully I can find some clothes that are my style, but more... "grown up"? I need work clothes, but I'm not going to buy clothes when it feels like I'm playing dress up. I want to remain myself. I also need a haircut. Need to "spruce up" for interviews. I hate job hunting...
Quick note about my NYE: New Years was actually pretty fun. I was expecting to have a quiet night chilling with Kory, Myla and Michelle but it ended up being a house party in Ladysmith with the aforementioned friends and also Riley and a bunch of his friends. Got pretty drunk and way too stoned, passed out listening to someone puke in the bathroom underneath the room I slept in... (that Kory would later deny was him, haha.) All in all, good times. No kisses at midnight, though. Oh well.
I bought a bag of purple kush when I was staying on the island, so I had a bunch left when I got home a couple weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much hung out in my room smoking, eating and sleeping with the exception of a few trips to the mall/store and a hang out with Ollie.
Now for the big "resolutions/reflection" post. I haven't really sat down and made a "list of resolutions"... but I have been thinking a lot about changes I need to make to become who I want to be instead of being so unhappy with my life and who I am.
Changes include (but are not limited to and in no particular order:)
1. STOP SMOKING WEED. Or seriously cutting back. I've decided that I don't mind smoking weed in small amounts, but I get into trouble when I have a lot of it available to me. So I think I am going to quit smoking for a while... or quit buying it anyways. I don't have a dealer and I don't have any friends in this city so I won't be offered any except when I go out of town or a friend comes to town. When I have a lot of pot around it just throws all my motivation and interest to do anything else out the window. I mean, I know I SHOULD do certain things, but getting stoned makes it so I don't care. It's time to grow up and start doing things I should have done a long time ago that getting high all the time has been holding me back from.
2. STOP PLAYING WOW. I also have decided to stop playing WoW for a while until I catch up on school work since I haven't done ANY english work for a month probably.
3. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. This is a big one for me... the cause of a lot of my unhappiness. Past relationships, past friends, past living situations... they are all the past. I need to stop putting so much effort into still trying to talk to Rupert and realize that it's over. Some feelings may still reside but they are old feelings for someone who has changed, who has moved on, who has forgotten about me and doesn't even think about me in any regard anymore, friendly or otherwise. If he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me he would make some kind of effort to talk one in a while, but he doesn't. He has enough friends, he has a girlfriend that he is probably in love with, he has a job and he has his own life that I am not involved in whatsoever. I need to realize that people change and sometimes relationships (both romantic and friendly) grow apart and eventually end. Being lonely/alone isn't a reason to hold onto feelings for someone, especially someone who doesn't even live in the same city.
4. SET GOALS AND FOLLOW THEM THROUGH. I am mediocre at setting goals in general to begin with, but I am HORRIBLE at setting priorities and following through to achieve the goals that I set. I tend to make really big goals that aren't easily achieved or obtainable in the short term, and then I get disheartened that there's no noticable change/difference right away or I lose interest and give up. Or I set a goal for myself and take the steps to get there, but when the moment of truth comes I doubt myself or something and back out at last minute. I need to learn how to make not only big goals for later on in life, but smaller more short term oriented goals and also learn how to prioritize and organize to achieve the goals that I set.
5. EAT A HEALTHIER DIET/LIVE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE. More exercise, less junk food. Pretty straight forward but also very difficult when you aren't responsible for the grocery shopping in the house. My diet will probably get a lot better when I move out either by myself or with my dad. I can start getting more active now, though. I might not go as far as to get a gym membership, but I might go see a trainer once or twice to learn some activities and get some equipment so I can do them at home and go for walks and whatnot. I'm getting more comfortable with not being one of "the thin girls", but I'm starting to think about health and, yes, appearance and I'd like to be the healthiest I can be.
6. MEET NEW PEOPLE. For some reason meeting people that have similar interests/hobbies as me and making friends has been difficult for me. My depression (at it's worst) really made me shut out a lot of people and made me into a pretty horrible friend but I am going to try to change that. It's obvious that most of my old friendships are unsalvagable, but the lessons from the ending of them can be taken away from it. I need to figure out where to meet people, first of all. I need to re-learn how to do things without weed involved, like how to have conversations with people, how to share interests... basically I need to learn how to be a friend all over again. I am also really shy and it's hard to get to know me, so I have to try to be a bit more outgoing or something. haha.
Lastly, I would like to START DATING AGAIN. I kind of have feelings for Ollie still, but I know it's not a healthy relationship right now and I don't even know what he wants. Part of me wants to just let it go as it is and see what happens, but most of me knows that it's not going anywhere unless I take some kind of action to fight for what I want. Do I give the ultimatum and demand to be something more serious (which would probably result in me being turned down completely and the end of our relationship), or do I do nothing and sit here swept aside, last on his mind, and miserable yet again? The old me would stick around forever, no matter how shitty I was being treated or how much I was ignored. The new me, though, isn't so sure she wants to stick around for that... I want to have a real relationship for once. I want all that stupid cute shit that people love in the beginnings of relationships and then take for granted like reading to each other in bed, or leaving messages or notes because you're thinking of the person, or sharing half your sandwich without even being asked. Except I want my OWN cute shit. I want someone to be annoyingly cute with. I do not want to be sitting alone wishing someone would call or come over when they are thinking about someone else or spending time and having feelings for someone else.
Sigh.
I am going to go clothes shopping this week and hopefully I can find some clothes that are my style, but more... "grown up"? I need work clothes, but I'm not going to buy clothes when it feels like I'm playing dress up. I want to remain myself. I also need a haircut. Need to "spruce up" for interviews. I hate job hunting...
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
IT'S ON LIKE TRON!
Christmas is almost here; I am completely unprepared. I didn't have money to get anyone a presents, or get materials to make anything... so I pretty much look like a deadbeat asshole child/friend/sibling/family member this year. Much like every other day/year... ha. New Years Eve is going to be pretty chill. Probably just going to the island either to chill in Ladysmith at Kory n Myla's or to Nanaimer to chill with Michelle. Either way it will be getting baked and chilling, no crazy drunken times.
I have this growing obsession with high-top shoes. I have no idea why, but they're so awesome. WET PANTIES kind of awesome. I need to go clothes shopping. I need someone to come clothes shopping and help me make outfits that don't look retarded.
Speaking of friends, Michelle and I started talking last night. Random message from her on msn out of the blue... then it just seemed like nothing ever really happeend (as usual.) Guess that's why they call them best friends for life?
Still trying to find a weed hook-up in V'couvie... well, not so much trying as much as hoping someone will bring me weed. Someone bring me some j's and come on an adventure. Dooooo it.
Also still making decisions about the move to Calgary. I think I'm going to write dad and plan a visit sometime next spring/summer for a week or so. I've also been letting my feelings for someone sort of take over, bad move. I saw a super ridiculously cute photo of him on the F-book (gaybook) and I started to swoon again. Time to bury those feelings deep. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE! EAT THOSE FEELINGS, EMOTIONAL FATTY!
I did find a cute boy that I secretly have a secret facebook crush on. Facebook is horrible. It turns the sweetest of people (me) into creepy inter-stalkers (not me.) He's so gnarly though, every single default pic i swooned a little more. Pics of him with bloody lips after drinking out of broken wine bottles, pics of him puking on sidewalks, pics of him stoned. Stoner grungey hippy dude, let's do it. IT'S ON LIKE TRON!
I have this growing obsession with high-top shoes. I have no idea why, but they're so awesome. WET PANTIES kind of awesome. I need to go clothes shopping. I need someone to come clothes shopping and help me make outfits that don't look retarded.
Speaking of friends, Michelle and I started talking last night. Random message from her on msn out of the blue... then it just seemed like nothing ever really happeend (as usual.) Guess that's why they call them best friends for life?
Still trying to find a weed hook-up in V'couvie... well, not so much trying as much as hoping someone will bring me weed. Someone bring me some j's and come on an adventure. Dooooo it.
Also still making decisions about the move to Calgary. I think I'm going to write dad and plan a visit sometime next spring/summer for a week or so. I've also been letting my feelings for someone sort of take over, bad move. I saw a super ridiculously cute photo of him on the F-book (gaybook) and I started to swoon again. Time to bury those feelings deep. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE! EAT THOSE FEELINGS, EMOTIONAL FATTY!
I did find a cute boy that I secretly have a secret facebook crush on. Facebook is horrible. It turns the sweetest of people (me) into creepy inter-stalkers (not me.) He's so gnarly though, every single default pic i swooned a little more. Pics of him with bloody lips after drinking out of broken wine bottles, pics of him puking on sidewalks, pics of him stoned. Stoner grungey hippy dude, let's do it. IT'S ON LIKE TRON!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
B-b-b-ird bird bird, bird is the word!
Ok, I forgot all about Mount Royal College... but it seems as thought they don't offer any web/graphics design courses ANYWAYS. Suck a dink, Mt Royal. Sait is still looking like my top choice for schools in Calgary. I can only find a course for Digital Graphics so far... it doesn't look like they have a combined webpage development/graphic design course/certificate/degree, so that kind of sucks. I have to keep looking, though. Digital Graphics is better than nothing. It's kind of kicking me in the face though because the Digital Graphics course at sait is about 9 grand for 2 years... whereas at SFU or BCIT I can take a combined web/graphics course for 2 grand LESS. Is moving out of Vancouver a year or 2 early worth 2 grand? Looks like I have some serious things to consider that I hadn't really thought about until now. And I've decided not to let the fact that Rupert lives there sway any decisions I make. I shouldn't even have feelings for him anymore and it's totally ridiculous to think that anything will happen between us: he has a girlfriend! He loves her, not me. I don't even enter his mind at all. Ever. So that's case closed. Girlfriend = case closed. haha.
I have a meeting with a councilor at VLN this Thursday to enroll in the rest of the courses I need to graduate. I'm not working right now and I need to get it done so I figure I can just buckle down and get them all done at the same time asap. It will be REALLY hard to motivate myself, I'm already having problems motivating myself to do English assignments... so I think after my WoW subscription runs out I won't be renewing it until I'm finished these courses. If I can motivate myself enough I think I might be able to get them done by April or May. I have until June 1st to finish them, but the sooner I finish them the better.
My grandma is coming to visit from Calgary today and will be arriving in about 2.5 hours. I have to give up my room and live in the basement for about a week because she can't walk up/down stairs. That is going to suck big time. I also have to clean my entire room and wash some bedding for her before she gets here. Ugh.
Guess I should get on that.
I have a meeting with a councilor at VLN this Thursday to enroll in the rest of the courses I need to graduate. I'm not working right now and I need to get it done so I figure I can just buckle down and get them all done at the same time asap. It will be REALLY hard to motivate myself, I'm already having problems motivating myself to do English assignments... so I think after my WoW subscription runs out I won't be renewing it until I'm finished these courses. If I can motivate myself enough I think I might be able to get them done by April or May. I have until June 1st to finish them, but the sooner I finish them the better.
My grandma is coming to visit from Calgary today and will be arriving in about 2.5 hours. I have to give up my room and live in the basement for about a week because she can't walk up/down stairs. That is going to suck big time. I also have to clean my entire room and wash some bedding for her before she gets here. Ugh.
Guess I should get on that.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tis the season... TO FREAK OUT! aka Joyeux Noel on speed.
I think I know why they call it the loneliest time of the year... it sure is disheartening, that's for sure. I have no idea what it is about this time of year that makes one think of everything that is lacking in their life but it's ridiculous. Who's idea was it to make people depressed/lonely during the most miserable season of the year? I bet whomever came up with the idea also likes the idea of punching kittens and drowning puppies, too.
It's not THAT bad, I guess. I stopped taking to Oliver... it just wasn't even worth wasting my effort. I'm over jumping through hoops to get his attention, he can find someone else to do that. I'm starting to get a clearer idea of what's going to happen in my future as far as moving to Calgary and going to school there are concerned. Still a few kinks in the time line to flatten out, but it's moving along. I'm just having problems wrapping my head around the idea of living in the same city as Rupert and I can't decide whether or not that is a good idea or not. I know I'm not moving there FOR him, but I don't want to move there and then have my reasons and plans for moving there changed or compromised because of being around him. He's entered my mind more than a few times lately and I can't say that my feelings for him have ever really wavered, and I can see how I could get hurt again very easily if things took a few wrong turns. I wouldn't want something like that to affect my schooling. At any rate, SAIT looks like a pretty promising choice as far as schools go... I have to look at other schools and see what web design classes they have and whatnot. Good ol' school hunts.
I am excited to move to Calgary for school, but also because I see it as an opportunity to meet new people. I'm sorry Vancouver, but I'm sick of walking down the street and feeling negative energy from everyone, or running into people I used to be friends with but no longer associate with. Everyone here is so in their own little worlds and doesn't care about anyone else. It's stupid. It doesn't hurt to be nice for no reason sometimes, guys. Yes, EVEN to strangers and people who may not necessarily be in your close personal circle of friends. OMG. I already have a friend in Cowtown. Ashley and I are going to be the cutest nerdiest friends ever.
I'm also not working right now, which sucks because I really need money for a lot of things: dentistry, tattoo, school, debt, moving costs, etc. etc. etc. I need to pay for all of that, and I also need to save up a reasonable amount of money with which to move to Calgary. I have no idea how much that will cost. I'm thinking I will probably sell anything that can't be carried on or easily shipped out there. So that will save me some money on moving costs, but I will also need to have a bit of money in that budget to buy some furniture (like a bed) when I get there. This would be a PRIME time for some mystery rich family member of mine to die and leave me millions of dollars. PRIME.
.....still prime?
damn.
It's not THAT bad, I guess. I stopped taking to Oliver... it just wasn't even worth wasting my effort. I'm over jumping through hoops to get his attention, he can find someone else to do that. I'm starting to get a clearer idea of what's going to happen in my future as far as moving to Calgary and going to school there are concerned. Still a few kinks in the time line to flatten out, but it's moving along. I'm just having problems wrapping my head around the idea of living in the same city as Rupert and I can't decide whether or not that is a good idea or not. I know I'm not moving there FOR him, but I don't want to move there and then have my reasons and plans for moving there changed or compromised because of being around him. He's entered my mind more than a few times lately and I can't say that my feelings for him have ever really wavered, and I can see how I could get hurt again very easily if things took a few wrong turns. I wouldn't want something like that to affect my schooling. At any rate, SAIT looks like a pretty promising choice as far as schools go... I have to look at other schools and see what web design classes they have and whatnot. Good ol' school hunts.
I am excited to move to Calgary for school, but also because I see it as an opportunity to meet new people. I'm sorry Vancouver, but I'm sick of walking down the street and feeling negative energy from everyone, or running into people I used to be friends with but no longer associate with. Everyone here is so in their own little worlds and doesn't care about anyone else. It's stupid. It doesn't hurt to be nice for no reason sometimes, guys. Yes, EVEN to strangers and people who may not necessarily be in your close personal circle of friends. OMG. I already have a friend in Cowtown. Ashley and I are going to be the cutest nerdiest friends ever.
I'm also not working right now, which sucks because I really need money for a lot of things: dentistry, tattoo, school, debt, moving costs, etc. etc. etc. I need to pay for all of that, and I also need to save up a reasonable amount of money with which to move to Calgary. I have no idea how much that will cost. I'm thinking I will probably sell anything that can't be carried on or easily shipped out there. So that will save me some money on moving costs, but I will also need to have a bit of money in that budget to buy some furniture (like a bed) when I get there. This would be a PRIME time for some mystery rich family member of mine to die and leave me millions of dollars. PRIME.
.....still prime?
damn.
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