I forgot about you! But that's okay... because nothing exciting ever happens to me and no one ever reads this! ha ha ha. Except me, when I remember you...
Maybe I can sum the last couple of weeks up in point form to make this easier for me to read at a later date.
- changed my mind about university YET AGAIN. Decided to go for my MOA certificate. More money, more benefits, more jobs, less touching people...
- haven't played WoW in like 2 freaking months!
- still slacking in school, but realize now that I need to finish these courses to get into Uni.
- looking for a job. Having a hard time finding one (stupid recession.)
- still living at home.
- still single.
- half assidly started working out.
- watched the Sex and the City movie... made me want to be rich but that's about it.
- Downloaded all 3 seasons of My Secret Identity.
- went shopping and drinking and spent all the money I had left.
- spent valentine's day smoking with Michelle.
- only valentine chocolate was from my own mother. sad.
- found my dream bike.
- need money for dream bike.
- need to get laid.
- need to get out more.
That's pretty much it. Oh my life is so boring...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Fistful of Quarters
The King of Kong.
I watched this a couple of days ago, just haven't had the time or energy to write about it here. Maybe it's just because I'm a super nerd, but I think THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWESOME!!! When and if you get the chance, download and watch it.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday because my energy levels are totally non-existent right now and Derek thinks I might have mono. I've been sleeping ridiculous amounts (like, 19-20 hours straight) and have absolutely no energy when I wake up. This is really hindering my school and other activities I am trying to do.
Kind of had a conversation with Oliver about how things have been between us, and how it makes me feel and I'm pretty sure it's over. Well, when you say something that's really personal and whatnot, and the other person just peaces you out and doesn't talk to you ever again after that, then yeah... over. Guess "the girl" does need to find someone that actually wants her... :P
I am getting really interested in vegan baking lately. I've been reading Sarah Kramer's website/blog and when I get the money I'd like to get one of her vegan cook books. I'm not really into cooking vegan MEALS (as I'm not vegan at all, or even vegetarian) but vegan baking really interests me for some reason. Plus baking is cute as hell! So if anyone finds any neat vegan baking recipes or cook books, websites, links, anything! just let me know.
And now I have to go get ready to go shopping with Dale. I'm getting new clothes because all the clothes I have are gross, and I need to look cute for interviews and boys. HA.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Love me, love my fool.
“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin
Theodore Isaac Rubin
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Disruption in the Normal Swing of Things...
Hello 2009! It don't feel any different than 2008 as of yet, but I am determined to make this year a hell of a lot more productive than last!
Quick note about my NYE: New Years was actually pretty fun. I was expecting to have a quiet night chilling with Kory, Myla and Michelle but it ended up being a house party in Ladysmith with the aforementioned friends and also Riley and a bunch of his friends. Got pretty drunk and way too stoned, passed out listening to someone puke in the bathroom underneath the room I slept in... (that Kory would later deny was him, haha.) All in all, good times. No kisses at midnight, though. Oh well.
I bought a bag of purple kush when I was staying on the island, so I had a bunch left when I got home a couple weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much hung out in my room smoking, eating and sleeping with the exception of a few trips to the mall/store and a hang out with Ollie.
Now for the big "resolutions/reflection" post. I haven't really sat down and made a "list of resolutions"... but I have been thinking a lot about changes I need to make to become who I want to be instead of being so unhappy with my life and who I am.
Changes include (but are not limited to and in no particular order:)
1. STOP SMOKING WEED. Or seriously cutting back. I've decided that I don't mind smoking weed in small amounts, but I get into trouble when I have a lot of it available to me. So I think I am going to quit smoking for a while... or quit buying it anyways. I don't have a dealer and I don't have any friends in this city so I won't be offered any except when I go out of town or a friend comes to town. When I have a lot of pot around it just throws all my motivation and interest to do anything else out the window. I mean, I know I SHOULD do certain things, but getting stoned makes it so I don't care. It's time to grow up and start doing things I should have done a long time ago that getting high all the time has been holding me back from.
2. STOP PLAYING WOW. I also have decided to stop playing WoW for a while until I catch up on school work since I haven't done ANY english work for a month probably.
3. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. This is a big one for me... the cause of a lot of my unhappiness. Past relationships, past friends, past living situations... they are all the past. I need to stop putting so much effort into still trying to talk to Rupert and realize that it's over. Some feelings may still reside but they are old feelings for someone who has changed, who has moved on, who has forgotten about me and doesn't even think about me in any regard anymore, friendly or otherwise. If he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me he would make some kind of effort to talk one in a while, but he doesn't. He has enough friends, he has a girlfriend that he is probably in love with, he has a job and he has his own life that I am not involved in whatsoever. I need to realize that people change and sometimes relationships (both romantic and friendly) grow apart and eventually end. Being lonely/alone isn't a reason to hold onto feelings for someone, especially someone who doesn't even live in the same city.
4. SET GOALS AND FOLLOW THEM THROUGH. I am mediocre at setting goals in general to begin with, but I am HORRIBLE at setting priorities and following through to achieve the goals that I set. I tend to make really big goals that aren't easily achieved or obtainable in the short term, and then I get disheartened that there's no noticable change/difference right away or I lose interest and give up. Or I set a goal for myself and take the steps to get there, but when the moment of truth comes I doubt myself or something and back out at last minute. I need to learn how to make not only big goals for later on in life, but smaller more short term oriented goals and also learn how to prioritize and organize to achieve the goals that I set.
5. EAT A HEALTHIER DIET/LIVE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE. More exercise, less junk food. Pretty straight forward but also very difficult when you aren't responsible for the grocery shopping in the house. My diet will probably get a lot better when I move out either by myself or with my dad. I can start getting more active now, though. I might not go as far as to get a gym membership, but I might go see a trainer once or twice to learn some activities and get some equipment so I can do them at home and go for walks and whatnot. I'm getting more comfortable with not being one of "the thin girls", but I'm starting to think about health and, yes, appearance and I'd like to be the healthiest I can be.
6. MEET NEW PEOPLE. For some reason meeting people that have similar interests/hobbies as me and making friends has been difficult for me. My depression (at it's worst) really made me shut out a lot of people and made me into a pretty horrible friend but I am going to try to change that. It's obvious that most of my old friendships are unsalvagable, but the lessons from the ending of them can be taken away from it. I need to figure out where to meet people, first of all. I need to re-learn how to do things without weed involved, like how to have conversations with people, how to share interests... basically I need to learn how to be a friend all over again. I am also really shy and it's hard to get to know me, so I have to try to be a bit more outgoing or something. haha.
Lastly, I would like to START DATING AGAIN. I kind of have feelings for Ollie still, but I know it's not a healthy relationship right now and I don't even know what he wants. Part of me wants to just let it go as it is and see what happens, but most of me knows that it's not going anywhere unless I take some kind of action to fight for what I want. Do I give the ultimatum and demand to be something more serious (which would probably result in me being turned down completely and the end of our relationship), or do I do nothing and sit here swept aside, last on his mind, and miserable yet again? The old me would stick around forever, no matter how shitty I was being treated or how much I was ignored. The new me, though, isn't so sure she wants to stick around for that... I want to have a real relationship for once. I want all that stupid cute shit that people love in the beginnings of relationships and then take for granted like reading to each other in bed, or leaving messages or notes because you're thinking of the person, or sharing half your sandwich without even being asked. Except I want my OWN cute shit. I want someone to be annoyingly cute with. I do not want to be sitting alone wishing someone would call or come over when they are thinking about someone else or spending time and having feelings for someone else.
Sigh.
I am going to go clothes shopping this week and hopefully I can find some clothes that are my style, but more... "grown up"? I need work clothes, but I'm not going to buy clothes when it feels like I'm playing dress up. I want to remain myself. I also need a haircut. Need to "spruce up" for interviews. I hate job hunting...
Quick note about my NYE: New Years was actually pretty fun. I was expecting to have a quiet night chilling with Kory, Myla and Michelle but it ended up being a house party in Ladysmith with the aforementioned friends and also Riley and a bunch of his friends. Got pretty drunk and way too stoned, passed out listening to someone puke in the bathroom underneath the room I slept in... (that Kory would later deny was him, haha.) All in all, good times. No kisses at midnight, though. Oh well.
I bought a bag of purple kush when I was staying on the island, so I had a bunch left when I got home a couple weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much hung out in my room smoking, eating and sleeping with the exception of a few trips to the mall/store and a hang out with Ollie.
Now for the big "resolutions/reflection" post. I haven't really sat down and made a "list of resolutions"... but I have been thinking a lot about changes I need to make to become who I want to be instead of being so unhappy with my life and who I am.
Changes include (but are not limited to and in no particular order:)
1. STOP SMOKING WEED. Or seriously cutting back. I've decided that I don't mind smoking weed in small amounts, but I get into trouble when I have a lot of it available to me. So I think I am going to quit smoking for a while... or quit buying it anyways. I don't have a dealer and I don't have any friends in this city so I won't be offered any except when I go out of town or a friend comes to town. When I have a lot of pot around it just throws all my motivation and interest to do anything else out the window. I mean, I know I SHOULD do certain things, but getting stoned makes it so I don't care. It's time to grow up and start doing things I should have done a long time ago that getting high all the time has been holding me back from.
2. STOP PLAYING WOW. I also have decided to stop playing WoW for a while until I catch up on school work since I haven't done ANY english work for a month probably.
3. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. This is a big one for me... the cause of a lot of my unhappiness. Past relationships, past friends, past living situations... they are all the past. I need to stop putting so much effort into still trying to talk to Rupert and realize that it's over. Some feelings may still reside but they are old feelings for someone who has changed, who has moved on, who has forgotten about me and doesn't even think about me in any regard anymore, friendly or otherwise. If he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me he would make some kind of effort to talk one in a while, but he doesn't. He has enough friends, he has a girlfriend that he is probably in love with, he has a job and he has his own life that I am not involved in whatsoever. I need to realize that people change and sometimes relationships (both romantic and friendly) grow apart and eventually end. Being lonely/alone isn't a reason to hold onto feelings for someone, especially someone who doesn't even live in the same city.
4. SET GOALS AND FOLLOW THEM THROUGH. I am mediocre at setting goals in general to begin with, but I am HORRIBLE at setting priorities and following through to achieve the goals that I set. I tend to make really big goals that aren't easily achieved or obtainable in the short term, and then I get disheartened that there's no noticable change/difference right away or I lose interest and give up. Or I set a goal for myself and take the steps to get there, but when the moment of truth comes I doubt myself or something and back out at last minute. I need to learn how to make not only big goals for later on in life, but smaller more short term oriented goals and also learn how to prioritize and organize to achieve the goals that I set.
5. EAT A HEALTHIER DIET/LIVE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE. More exercise, less junk food. Pretty straight forward but also very difficult when you aren't responsible for the grocery shopping in the house. My diet will probably get a lot better when I move out either by myself or with my dad. I can start getting more active now, though. I might not go as far as to get a gym membership, but I might go see a trainer once or twice to learn some activities and get some equipment so I can do them at home and go for walks and whatnot. I'm getting more comfortable with not being one of "the thin girls", but I'm starting to think about health and, yes, appearance and I'd like to be the healthiest I can be.
6. MEET NEW PEOPLE. For some reason meeting people that have similar interests/hobbies as me and making friends has been difficult for me. My depression (at it's worst) really made me shut out a lot of people and made me into a pretty horrible friend but I am going to try to change that. It's obvious that most of my old friendships are unsalvagable, but the lessons from the ending of them can be taken away from it. I need to figure out where to meet people, first of all. I need to re-learn how to do things without weed involved, like how to have conversations with people, how to share interests... basically I need to learn how to be a friend all over again. I am also really shy and it's hard to get to know me, so I have to try to be a bit more outgoing or something. haha.
Lastly, I would like to START DATING AGAIN. I kind of have feelings for Ollie still, but I know it's not a healthy relationship right now and I don't even know what he wants. Part of me wants to just let it go as it is and see what happens, but most of me knows that it's not going anywhere unless I take some kind of action to fight for what I want. Do I give the ultimatum and demand to be something more serious (which would probably result in me being turned down completely and the end of our relationship), or do I do nothing and sit here swept aside, last on his mind, and miserable yet again? The old me would stick around forever, no matter how shitty I was being treated or how much I was ignored. The new me, though, isn't so sure she wants to stick around for that... I want to have a real relationship for once. I want all that stupid cute shit that people love in the beginnings of relationships and then take for granted like reading to each other in bed, or leaving messages or notes because you're thinking of the person, or sharing half your sandwich without even being asked. Except I want my OWN cute shit. I want someone to be annoyingly cute with. I do not want to be sitting alone wishing someone would call or come over when they are thinking about someone else or spending time and having feelings for someone else.
Sigh.
I am going to go clothes shopping this week and hopefully I can find some clothes that are my style, but more... "grown up"? I need work clothes, but I'm not going to buy clothes when it feels like I'm playing dress up. I want to remain myself. I also need a haircut. Need to "spruce up" for interviews. I hate job hunting...
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